on miscarriage
A couple of weeks ago, I found out I had a miscarriage. What I expected to be a routine 11-week appointment and my very first ultrasound where I would get to see my baby for the first time, see it bounce around on the black and white screen, its little heartbeat aflutter, ended abruptly with the news from my doctor that in fact, my baby had not made it past 9 weeks. The feeling I had in that exact moment is difficult to describe — it was as if the room was expanding, exhaling, to an infinite scale, and then immediately contracting, closing in, the walls so tight around me I could barely breathe. I saw her words — “I’m concerned this is a miscarriage” — spoken to me directly, but I heard them as though echoed from across a long hallway, to the general air around her. Not to me, surely. This couldn’t be happening to me.
But it did happen to me. And I know it has happened to a lot of other women — in fact, after I shared the news with some close friends and family, I suddenly realized two things. Not only am I incredibly loved and supported, but I am not alone in this pain. Yet so many days it feels isolating. The walls breathe out and in again, and I feel so small and then, in an instant, so claustrophobic within a tiny space. I want to cry and yell and feel nothing and then everything all at once. I want to talk to everyone about it, and then no one at the same time. It’s a confusing, almost maddening, time.
I feel like there has been a death in our family, but for someone we barely knew. I barely had a chance to talk to my baby, to feel my belly expanding beyond that uncomfortable “is she pregnant or just eating too many cookies?” phase. The nausea was real, the exhaustion was real, and even my body didn’t know anything was wrong as I sat on that exam table, hearing my doctor echo her words, feeling as though I was about to lose my lunch. I could have felt that way for so many reasons, obviously, but the fact remains that I felt pregnant in every way. And yet, I was not.
The day after I was given the news, my husband and I went back to the doctor for an official ultrasound to confirm everything. It was awkward, because the technician didn’t know why I was having an ultrasound then, so early in my pregnancy, so I had to explain to her in a broken voice that my doctor was concerned I had a miscarriage — again, repeating words I was sure were echoed to a room and I just happened to be in it — and once we were on the same page we all held our collective breath as she rolled the device over my belly and showed us, once again, how there was no heartbeat, there was no movement, the baby was measuring much smaller than it should have been, etc. etc. The waterworks resumed and she held my hand tightly. “I’m so sorry,” she said, like she hasn’t told this to anyone else before. Again, so isolated in a moment that so many have gone through before.
My mom flew up the next evening, and the following morning, I had a D&C. Everyone in the hospital was so kind and sympathetic, and it felt so strange to be wheeled around in a bed or a wheelchair having no physical pain. Of course, my heart was shattered, but no one, not even a doctor, could fix that.
Since then, things have been busy. We’ve had visits with family and friends, and all of them have been more helpful to me both physically and emotionally than I ever could have imagined. Our house is full of flowers, our fridge full of food, and I’ve been reading and re-reading letters and cards sent to me from those who don’t directly understand, and from those who do, and both are full of words that are slowly healing me. These people are my treasures on this earth, and I am grateful.
Of course, my husband and my sweet daughter have been the best medicine of all. I squeeze both of them a little tighter, with a little more love in my heart for them found in a space I didn’t even know was there. I look into my daughter’s big brown eyes and realize more than ever how much of a miracle she is, with all of her chubby fingers and toes, her curly hair and toddler belly. I hold my husband’s hand and I know, like everything else we’ve been through, that we will get through this, too.
I’m writing this because I know how helpful it was for me, even in these two weeks, to read others’ stories of miscarriage and healing. I know that everyone has a different experience, but this is mine and if it can resonate with even one person, I know how that can feel. For me, it feels like I can take a breath again, even when the walls are close in, and slowly, they expand again. Soon, I hope the walls will stay put, and I can move forward and we can try again. We’ll see.
P.S. Posts will soon resume as normal here, I promise you. Look for one later this week or early next week. Until then, much love and cookies. xo
So sorry for your loss! In my thoughts and prayers…
So very sorry for your loss, sending hugs and healing vibes your way x
Hello dear one. I am so sorry that you lost your baby. As one that has also experienced miscarriage, I can empathize that what you are feeling is so normal. Keep journaling, even, if only to a private journal. It helped me immensely at the time, and also helped me to comfort others later on. Even though you didn’t know your little one that long, you grieve the hopes and dreams you had for this little one. The grief is real, but so is hope. Thank you for sharing. I will be praying for you.
I am sorry you lost your baby. Please be assured that you are in the prayers of many.
Wishing I could give you a big hug right now, friend.
xo,
Taylor
I’m so sorry to hear of your loss. I’m glad to hear that you have your hubby and daughter to help you through this awful time. Looking forward to more posts but you should take all the time you need to feel better.
I’m so sorry. I always wish there were better things to say in times like these but there never seem to be. Often life isn’t fair but you’ll be ok. It’s just easier to see that from a distance and not when you’re in the thick of it. Take good care of yourself and your family.
Oh Stephanie-I’m so sorry. I’m sending you so much love right now <3
I’m so sorry for your loss. You’ll be in our thoughts. <3
Love you sweet friend. Thank you for sharing your story with us so openly and bravely. You and your beautiful family are in my prayers <3
God’s blessings on you and yours.
Oh Stephanie, I’m so sorry for you and your family. I can’t imagine what you’re going through. Thanks so much for sharing your story – I’m sure you’ve touched a bunch of people who have been through similar situations. Sending much love your way. xoxo
I’m so sorry for your loss. I too know the hurt heart that comes with news of a miscarriage. Praying for you and your sweet family.
My tremendous sympathy. And I agree that this post, like many others, will help heal someone else. I suffered through two miscarriages before we had our first successful pregnancy and it IS terribly isolating – sadly the internet was also not really born yet at the time LOL – so I didn’t have words of wise and kind women at my fingertips, but I’m so glad others do.
I’m so glad you feel supported and have your family to comfort you – I know there are happier times ahead for your family but every day is a gift. Sending wishes for comfort and peace, and my sympathy for your loss.
Oh my, I can’t imagine what you must be going through. Sending hugs and prayers during the difficult time.
So very sorry for your loss. So very brave to share your story. Thank you.
Sending so much love to you guys. I am so truly sorry for your loss and hope you continue to find peace and healing during this time.
PRAY for you to have PEACE and COMFORT during your loss. GOD BLESS all of you.
So saddened to hear such tragic news. I too miscarried once & had 2 stillborn births (all boys). We have 2 beautiful daughters who have given us five wonderful grand children. Sadly along the way, each of them have suffered miscarriages (7) for one & (1) still born for the other. Through it all God carried us through. The poem Footprints is meaningful for us. One of our daughters expressed it so well, “It’s like a club I got voted in for & didn’t want to be in it”. Such truth it almost still overwhelms me!
So sad but true! My girls & I will continue to pray & lift you up in our thoughts. So glad you have such a fabulous husband & daughter & Mom & family & friends for support?? Know that you are vastly loved by all of us! Sending you lots of hugs & chocolate???? Take your time to heal & rest easy my friend. Believe me, you are well worth the wait!! We will wait patiently for you dear heart????????
I’m very sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you.
Thank you for posting this. Having gone through this now three times myself, I know it wasn’t easy to speak publicly about it. It’s so personal and so sad, and yet so prevalent, but no one likes to talk about it. Once you do, you realize just how many around you have been affected by miscarriage. I am lucky to also have a daughter who is perfect in every way and a loving and supportive husband who has been just as affected by this as I have. Wishing you peaceful healing and lots of hugs and kisses from your beautiful family.
I’m so so sorry…Sending you lots of love. xoxo
Oh my sweet friend, I am so sorry. I know words can’t really heal this deep ache, but you aren’t alone and you are so loved. Your sharing is going to help others beyond what you can imagine, though, and I am so thankful for you opening your heart like this. Let me know if you need anything at all! XOXO
I’m sending you healing thoughts to help get you through this awful time.
I’m so sorry for your loss for both you and your family. My thoughts and prayers are with you sweet child and God bless you.
I’m so sorry 🙁 I had two miscarriages between my first son who is 9 now and my 2nd who is 4. No words can describe the pain. I had DNCs after each and with the last one my midwife told me it was a girl. Was a heartbreaking every time someone would ask if I’m going to have any girls. I know one day I will meet them in Heaven.
Very sorry for your family’s loss. Wishing you comfort and healing.
Such a huge sorrow! The exact thing happened to me during my first pregnancy. My heart goes out to you.
So very sorry for your loss.
So sorry to hear this Stephanie. I too, went through a miscarriage before having Teddy, and it’s just the most awful experience. It’s so wonderful for you to share, I think the more we talk about it, the more other women will know they aren’t alone. Time does heal, and you will eventually feel like yourself again. Much love and thoughts to you and your sweet family.
My heart goes out to you through this time of loss. I lost my first child 49 years ago. My son was a full term loss. The pain goes away eventually. The walls do stop moving. I have two wonderful, grown children and two grandchildren so life does go on. You never forget but the raw emotion does lessen and eventually you smile, you laugh and you heal. Sending healing prayers your way. Take as much tie as you need.
I am so sorry! Blessings to you and your family at this time. Your post made me cry.
Courageous people like you are how the rest of us make it. A oneness and a back and forth of sharing wisdom, compassion, woundedness and ecstasy. Thank you for being a Boddhisatva in this way.
I am very sorry for your loss. Hugs and prayers while you go through this difficult time.
“I want to cry and yell and feel nothing and then everything all at once. I want to talk to everyone about it, and then no one at the same time. It’s a confusing, almost maddening, time.” Alex and I haven’t started to try having children yet, but I can relate to this feeling on so many levels because of other things we’ve been through. But we hold on to hope; We hold on to truth; And we look for the light. Thank you for sharing you story, dear friend. You are not alone, and we are here for you! <3 <3 <3
I’m so sorry for your loss. Thinking of you all xx
So sorry for your loss. I’m 14 weeks pregnant with my first and am older, 36, so always nervous about miscarriage, especially when it runs in my family, but so far so good!
Having walked this road myself twice and walking through it with you makes me wonder why life can be cruel sometimes. Then I read posts like this and I realize that sometimes it’s the hope that keeps us going. The help we can give others in ways we may never know. The encouragement we seek in others and the kindness of others that makes things we will never understand seem bearable. You and Elliott have a BEAUTIFUL daughter, loving parents, understanding siblings, encouraging friends and sympathetic strangers who will help you through this very sad journey. Know you are loved and I LOVE you more than you can ever know.
This is heartbreaking. I’m so sorry to hear it and hope that you continue to surround yourself with people that you love, along with lots of laughter and sugar.
Sending you so many hugs and prayers. Thank you for your strength and your bravery in sharing your story — thinking of you so much.
From the bottom of my heart Steph, I am so, so sorry to hear about this. It’s a common thing, I guess, but knowing that doesn’t make it any easier – especially when most people don’t talk about it. When I went through something similar I listened to the Stuff Mom Never Told You Podcast (http://www.stuffmomnevertoldyou.com/podcasts/understanding-miscarriage/) on the topic and really found it comforting to hear people talk about it! Take a listen!!
Not sure how helpful condolences are from complete strangers, but my heart is breaking for you today, tears in my old man eyes thinking about my own children and grandchildren, and your loss. Life is precious, and unpredictable. A sobering reminder to make every day count, to hold onto love, and share it often. Hugs and peace to you and your little family.
My heart breaks reading your story, but through it others will find healing as well. I’m sorry for your loss. Xoxo
I am so deeply sorry to read this, Steph. I’ll be thinking of you and your sweet family. The older I get, the more I seem to hear about lovely women in my life who have been touched by this kind of tragedy – my heart goes out to you. Praying that you continue to be surrounded by loving friends, listening ears, and helpful hands.
Hugs to you !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just know that women who don’t even know you feel your pain. We care. Xox
Thank you for sharing your story, Stephanie. I’m so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine. I know we haven’t met before, not even online (have been a subscriber to your blog for some time now) but I’m sending virtual hugs your way.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Sending my positive thoughts your way!
I am sorry for your little one. Feel better and give more squeezes more often.
I just experienced my first miscarriage last month. Initially it was really emotionally devastating, but as the days went on, things got better. I don’t have any children yet, so I was really excited when we found out I was pregnant & then SO crushed when I found out about the miscarriage. Just know you’re not alone & you’ll get through this 🙂
I also had what was called a missed miscarriage this past Januray, and it was one of the most devastating things that I hope to never experience again. It left me feeling very depressed, and like it was my fault that I wasn’t able to help my baby grow normally. It’s so great to see you open up about the experience because it helps a great deal to talk about it instead of bottling up all of your feelings and emotions. It was rough, but I’m now on the road again to try and conceive and have my Miracle Baby. I wish you the best of luck and send lots of love your way!
May you and your family be blessed through this crucial recovery time. ????????
Steph – I commend you for sharing this. It is so vulnerable and raw, and yet you’re right, the sharing of stories like these can be so healing for others. I’ve been continuing to think of and pray for you! xo!
So sorry to hear Stephanie, and thank you for being brave enough to share. Thinking of you and your family xx
Stephanie, I am so very sorry to hear about your loss. I am an ultrasound tech (in addition to blogging) and have seen thousands of miscarriages in young perfectly healthy women. Like you said, they are so common but no one goes around announcing it because it is such a sad part of life. I know you must be in a lot of pain but I wanted to let you know that most of the women I’ve scanned go on to have perfectly normal and healthy pregnancies after miscarrying. So while it’s important to take your time to grieve properly, I have faith that everything will work out for you and your family in the future. xoxo
I’m so sorry for your loss. Within the last year I’ve had two early term (prior to 8 weeks) miscarriages. And a friend who had one as well. I am currently 28 weeks pregnant with a little boy and more excited and terrified than ever. Best wishes to you in the future. Thank you for sharing & know you aren’t alone
Sharing begins a healing of sorts. Many of us have experienced a pain similar to yours as well. Each a variation of the same result. The sun shines on Avery’s beautiful face and the loving strong support of your husband, who is also grieving, will see you all through this. Peace, Hope, Love, Prayers.
I can’t even imagine how hard a miscarriage must be. Wishing you happier days – and more tiny fingers and toes – ahead.
I’m so sorry for the loss you and your husband has to be feeling now. You have a huge wonderful heart to be sharing this with all of us even in your pain. Your a strong woman and with Gods help and friends and family you’ll get past the hurt but that baby will always still be a part of you. Take care, and your always in my thoughts and prayers.
I’m so sorry Stephanie. It’s so hard! You did lose a little member of your family. Someday you will see them again. In the meantime, hugs.
Oh Stephanie, my heart goes out to you, my dear. I’m praying for God to hold you up and sustain you during this unthinkable time… may He be your rock. Sending so much love your way. <3
Sending you all the love.
My iPad opens slowly. I first saw the beautiful beach picture, wondered if it was the Oregon Coast and where you had traveled to. And then the title On Miscarriage popped up and my stomach dropped. I don’t know you or your family or what a miscarriage is like. I do know loss, though. I don’t have anything to say that will help, so I will just send you strength. And a reminder that carbs are comfort food in good times and in bad.
I am so sorry for your loss. Please ask those around you to give you lots of hugs from me. I wish I could ease some of your sorrow. May God bless you and your family.
Oh, sweetheart. I’m so very, very sorry. While I personally don’t know your pain, my brother and sister-in-law lost their first baby while I was pregnant with Stephie, so I know how difficult it is for you. I will be praying for you and your family. I have no answers…just prayers. Sending lots of momma love to you, Momma Swope
Sending hugs, I’m so sorry to hear about this. 🙁
I am so, so sorry for your loss.
*gives a big big hug*
Thinking of you and your family, I am so very sorry for your loss. It was a wonderful post – I felt your pain and loss but also the love you have surrounding you. Take care of yourself.
A world of love and hope to you from me. <3
Oh I am so, so sorry to read this. Huge hugs and lots of prayers to you. xo
First, I am so sorry for your loss. My heart breaks for you and your family. Second, you are one strong sister and by writing this post you are helping millions of women find comfort. I truly believe everything happens for a reason and just know that your light will continue to shine.
Oh Stephanie, I am so so so so sorry. My heart goes out to you, and my stomach feels the pang of similar pain that we went through 2 years ago in the same situation (at 8 weeks). Thank you for sharing your story and we will absolutely be praying for you. It sounds like you have an amazing community rallying around you as well — and know that you join women around the world uplifting you in your sorrow. Sending so much love. xo
I am so sorry for your loss. I promise you, there is hope though. My husband and I lost 2 babies between our two daughters. The first was at 12 weeks and it was horrible, and the second was very early, but still required medical intervention. We now have a beautiful and healthy 5 month old and she is our blessing. My first pregnancy was totally unremarkable and very east, so losing two in between our girls was both heartbreaking and frustrating. I don’t really know how I got through it, but I did. I feel every ounce of pain you are feeling now and my heart goes out to you. Know there is hope, though. xo
We are so sorry to hear of your loss. Thank you for sharing your pain and showing others that they aren’t alone either. Your strength and love for your family will carry you through this time. You will remember your baby for ever and that alone will give it life.
We are sending your positive thoughts and feelings
-Mike & Wendy
I’m so so sorry 🙁 How wonderful though to have so much support from your family during this painful time. Sending good, healing thoughts your way, xo.
So sorry for your loss! Hang in there! I too know the pain if losing a baby and what you are feeling is normal. You and your family are in our prayers!
Stephanie, so sorry this has happened to you and your family. You will recover, even though it doesn’t feel that way right now. I know in my heart, everything happens for a reason and the way and when it’s supposed to happen. All will work out well, you will see. I am new to your blog, but I must tell you I am really enjoying it. Thank you!! Take care. As my mom always told me… Chin up! 🙂
You do not know me, but please accept my heartfelt sympathy for your great loss. While I am hesitant to make assumptions about something as personal as your faith, I wanted to share something my priest said to me many years ago following my first miscarriage. “…and among the many wonders you will experience in heaven, perhaps the loveliest will be when your beautiful child takes your hand and says “God, this is my mother, I have been waiting for her.” Blessings to you and your family!
Oh Stephanie, the loss you have suffered is deep, and I am glad you are finding comfort in the love from family and friends, this is what is true medicine!! My heart goes out to you.
So sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine how difficult this time is for you. Praying for you and your family.
Stephanie, I am so very sorry for your loss and can not imagine what you are going through. Sending all my love your way. <3
Oh Stephanie. I’m only just seeing and reading this post, and wanted to say how truly sorry that I am for you and your family’s loss. I am so sad to hear this .I can’t even imagine how difficult an experience that must be to go through – but you are so brave to share your story with everyone. Let me know if I can do anything! xo Thinking of you and sending you virtual hugs!
I’m so sorry to read this, Steph. What a difficult time I’m sure this has been for you. Sending much love to you 🙂
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I’m so sorry for your loss, Stephanie. It’s a pain I understand all too well, as I’ve had 3 miscarriages, myself. Two were only a day or so after the test came up positive, so while there was sadness, it was nothing, next to the one that almost made it to the first trimester. We’d already picked names, and I knew it was a girl (I was also right about all 3 of my babies that were born healthy – I just knew). Her name was Emily Rose. That was 18 yrs ago, & I still get choked up, when I think of her. I’msosorry… I’ll be holding you up in my prayers…
Oh Steph, I am so so sorry for your loss. You are such a brave and beautiful mama, thank you so much for sharing your story. Sending hugs and lots of love your way <3
I am so sorry you’re going through this, Steph. If only we lived closer so I could give you the BIGGEST HUG EVER. I am so proud of your strength in posting, though, because miscarriage IS common (1/3 pregnancies!) and we as a society are all too silent about it. Take your time to grieve and get through this, but know that you are not alone!!
I’m so sorry Stephanie. You are very brave to share your story in such an open space but you do so beautifully and I know you will bring comfort to so many women who have gone through the same experience. My prayers are with you. xoxoxo
Hi Stephanie, I have also suffered a loss recently. About a week after reading your post I was having bleeding and my fiance and I went to the ER. During my ultrasound, the technician said “This doesn’t look like a 10 week baby” and then was silent the whole rest of the ultrasound. I knew right away, from reading about your experience, that my worst fears were confirmed and it was gone. I’ve been up and down, talking to family and friends and just dealing with all the emotions as they come, allowing them, being kind to myself as much as possible. Thank god we love to cook and already had a stocked fridge and freezer 🙂 It’s the little things that bring me joy these days! Thinking of you! xo. -Darlene
Thank you so much for your story. I am so so sorry for your loss, I wouldn’t put that pain on my worse enemy. Last summer I also found out I had a miscarriage at my 11 week ultra sound. I had a D&C the day before my 28th birthday (not the best birthday present!) I was thankful for wonderful friends, family and doctors. If you need to, I found comfort on an online ttc after a miscarriage forum, people who are going through the same situation help so so so much! (I think it was babycenter.com)
On another note I made those sugar cookie banana pudding cups good God they are amazing!!!
Much love