three months of motherhood {a baby update}
As of this weekend, I will have been a mother for three whole months – well, unless you count me carrying around a fetus when motherhood consisted of making sure I took my prenatal vitamins and didn’t eat sushi, in which case I’m coming up on a year. Either way, I’m pretty sure I literally blinked and my daughter went from “newborn” to “baby.” *Cher voice* If I could turn back tiiiiime…
I feel like I haven’t said much about this new chapter in my life since it happened so, because we’re pals, I figured I’d bring you up to speed so you have an idea of what’s been going on behind the scenes of the good ol’ GVD.
Oh, you thought it was all ice cream and slow cooker meatballs and lovely loveliness? HA. I mean yes, those things have happened, along with cuddles and smiles and laughs and feelings of so much love my heart could burst. Truly, I enjoy being a mom more than anything and I always knew this was the role I was meant to have in this world. BUT. There also have been breakdowns and blowouts and fightin’ words and eating of feelings and wonderings of, “Why the heck is she crying?” And wonderings of, “Why the heck am I crying?” and fears that maybe I’m the worst mother in the world and stressy stressiness. Still, I wouldn’t trade a single second of it.
I’m not going to lie, you guys – the first two and a half months of Avery’s little life were ROUGH. I don’t know if she was colicky or if it’s just the plague of being a newborn in a very big, big world, but she decided to enter it with a lot of fussiness and crying for what seemed like no good reason.
I felt like I couldn’t leave the house for fear of embarrassment – like how she’d scream in her stroller all the way up and down the block and I felt like people were staring at me through their windows wondering why I was letting my kid cry so much (truth: No one did that. But I’m the most paranoid). Or that one time I drove to Target alone with her for the first time and she woke up in her car seat as I entered the store and proceeded to freak out in the card aisle, so much so that I had to leave immediately, get back in the car and drive around for a half-hour before she passed out again so I could re-enter Target and buy my things (we made it to checkout before she woke up and started wailing again). Or how 7 p.m. to 10 p.m. went from “Elliott and Stephanie’s time to watch Netflix and eat snacks” hour to “Avery’s time to lose her ish” hour – except for three. Whole. Hours.
I was tired. I was (very selfishly) missing my old life of Netflix watching and snack eating and being able to go grocery shopping and to Target without any obligation. My husband and I were struggling to figure out how to be married and be parents at the same time. I was struggling with balancing my work with taking care of a baby. And I was feeling incredibly guilty about all of it, because being a mom was something I’d wanted for years, something I’d prayed for and had to wait for a little while longer than I’d hoped, something I thought would fulfill me in a way no other role could and make me the happiest clam of all the clams.
Then, a few weeks ago, something clicked. Avery started cooling off – as in, she wasn’t just eating, crying, pooping and sleeping but there was actual calm time between there. In fact, she’d even include a few smiles and laughs (which are more like coughs right now and I DIE any time she does it). I started being able to go for walks or to Target without shame or embarrassment – either because she’d cry less, or maybe because I was feeling more confident and OK with the fact that hey, she’s a baby and she cries sometimes. I even started nursing in public (and by “public,” I mean with a cover in the women’s lounge of Nordstrom but STILL).
Now, three months into this journey, things are definitely easier. I’m learning how to bake and cook with a baby attached to me (either in my Boba Wrap or the ERGObaby 360 carrier, both of which I highly recommend). I still struggle with the balance of my work with baby (mayhaps a story I’ll share in greater detail another day), but I’m learning to be OK with having to work less so I can be present for my child. In fact, Netflix seems so much more boring now than sitting on the floor playing peekaboo with my baby and seeing that million-watt smile appear on her face, or seeing her stare at her feet wondering how she can grab at them because they are just so interesting. Even when she does get fussy, I remind myself that the moment is only temporary and that rocking her and holding her until she falls asleep is something I should cherish because pretty soon I’ll blink again and she won’t want to be held anymore. I’m starting to feel normal again and more trustworthy of myself and my instincts as a mother. And Avery is starting to be OK with this big, big world she now lives in.
Overall, while life may look very different now than it did before 4:15 a.m. May 9, I wouldn’t change a thing. I am so blessed and thankful to be this sweet little girl’s mama – a role that is harder than anything I’ve ever done, but one that I love more than any other I’ve ever had. I can’t wait to see what the next three months will bring.
There are soooo many other things I could say about these last few months but I’ll stop there so you can, you know, get on with your day. Plus I need to go snuggle with my little peanut because seriously, this cuteness is unreal.
If you’re a mom (or dad!), I’d love to know what your experience was like in your first few months of parenthood. Or, if you have any questions at all about my experiences – with birth, breastfeeding, blowouts (OH DO I HAVE STORIES), baby gear, anything and everything – shoot me a message or e-mail and I’d love to chat with you about it!
Thanks for letting me share a bit about my life in mama-land today. Next week includes yummy things of the sweet and salty variety, so yo’ face best get ready.
P.S. My eCookbook is still 40% off through the end of this week! Just enter SUMMER40 at checkout and you’re golden.
Disclosure: This post contains affiliate links.
I love your honesty in this post, being a mom is hard!! Well, I guess I cannot really know that since I am not a mom, but I have young siblings and kind of get the idea. Still, you are doing amazing and I loved reading about the little Avery. She is so cute!
You nailed it when you said “it will be the hardest job you’ll ever love”. Just when you get used to their ways they grow up on you and change everything. Being 8 years into this mommy thing there is one thing I can say, they will teach you more than you will ever teach them. Embrace it.
Mommy hood looks great on you. And Avery, my goodness she is such a doll. Enjoy every minute with her. It goes faster and faster every year.
This post is such a heart tugger! Love that little baby, and all of your honest motherly reflections. You rock, mama. xo
Stephanie, this brought back so many memories. My 1st baby starts her senior year of high school next week. Somewhere in this house there is a video of her 1st bath, during which she screamed the entire time! Maybe we should make her watch that before heading off to college next year… Enjoy every precious moment.
Oh dear Steph do I understand.
I understand feeling like I can never leave my apartment because going most places requires the subway and if a meltdown happens there I am literally trapped and mortified. (It actually happened a few weeks ago…he was crying hysterically and so I started crying and every woman on the train came over to help..it was awful.)
Anyway- I have been there. And there are such ups and downs its crazy. As soon as we think we have things figured out- something new happens and I’m back at square one.
Avery is so beautiful, and she is truly lucky to have you for a Mama.
Have you heard of the app The Wonder Weeks? I would download it right away if not- it tells you about baby’s different developmental leaps and how it affects their behavior- it’s really helpful.
Right now at 6 months so much is changing for poor lil Hugo. Teeth, sitting, rolling, crawling, waving, and wanting to see everything but not really being able to get there. Anyway- the only thing that works for us these days is me wearing him around on my hip in the ring sling and he’s happy as a clam.
Love you!
She is a cutie pie. Lots of adjustments for parents to get used too.
Anne — Oh, I never do. That mug is actually iced tea and as tempting as it is to drink coffee (because I love it so) while holding the baby, I am all too aware of the risks. But thank you for caring (and so sad about your brother’s grandson! 🙁 )!
Michelle — Oh, I know the feeling! Avery is the first in our fam, too. 🙂 I would love to do a baby gear post!
Audra — Thank you, friend. I have heard of the Wonder Weeks app but forgot to download it! Off to do so right away. 🙂 Thanks for being an inspiration to me in so many ways!
I just loved this post, friend. You are a strong lady and a wonderful mama! And Avery! I want to reach through my computer screen and squeeze her!
Avery is just too cute! I love these sweet photos 🙂
I really enjoyed reading this post. I often wonder what life will be like when I have children. I love to hear other peoples stores, and am glad that it is all starting to come together for you.
Oh Avery is precious! And yeah, those first couple months are draining but the little smiles, coos, chunky cheeks and legs, big eyes, and cuddles somehow keep ya going. I definitely am grateful to be done with the blowouts and spit-ups though.
Love, love, love reading about your first 3 months as a mama! I can only imagine how challenging of a job it is – caring for another human being – and it sounds like you and Elliot are rockin’ it. Can’t wait to meet your little one some day 🙂
This is precious! The truth about being a new mom. If we were all prepared for this thing called Motherhood, like we are when we pre-measure all our ingredients and pre-heat the oven, we’d make a perfect cake. I mean kid. But we all know life isn’t perfect, and with each new baby a new cookbook must be written — for unlike recipes, no two kids are ever even remotely alike. Here’s to you and Elliot, Stephanie, and the wonderful hike you are on, even if some days the terrain is a bit tipsy even for your super-cool stroller with big wheels to navigate. And, yep, that was a metaphor! 🙂 CONGRATS with hugs and wishes!